Talking to Your Child About Surgery

Talking to your child about surgery they need is difficult. They might be frightened, anxious, or even angry. You might be struggling with the same emotions as well. But talking to your child beforehand is an important step.

It’s best to have a thoughtful approach. Have the talk about their surgery in an environment where you’re both comfortable.

Timeframe for Talking to Your Child About Surgery 

When should you discuss your child’s upcoming surgery? That depends on your child’s age, understanding level, and how quickly the surgery should happen. For very young children, it’s best to bring it up only a couple days before. But with older kids, like teenagers, it’s best to talk to them early and often.

Newborn-2 years old

At this age, your child doesn’t communicate in words. But they can sense your feelings. Find ways to work on your anxiety so you can be calm when you’re around them.

Your child is very much in their “see and then do” phase of development. Show them how to hold their arm out for a shot. Play with band aids. Bring comfort items as a distraction.

3-5 years old

A few days before your child’s surgery, start talking to them about it. Read books about children going to the hospital.

Get a few doctor toys and act out what it’ll be like going to the doctor. You can use a stuffed animal or doll.

6-12 years old

Talk to your child a few weeks before the surgery. Read books with them about hospitals and surgery. Use creative expression, like journaling or drawing, to help them express their feelings about surgery. Develop a few activities they’ll be able to do during recovery. A good video game or new book series can make it easier to “take it easy.”

13 and up

If your kid is 13 or older, involve them early and often in all medical discussions. Encourage them to write down their concerns and ask the doctors directly.

If they seem especially anxious or scared, consider booking an appointment for therapy. Having a safe place to talk through those feelings can help a child process them. While most kids will benefit from talking through their feelings with their parents, sometimes it's good to have another outlet as well. 

Though this age bracket can seem like they're adults, they’re often still comforted by familiar objects.

Most Importantly, Be There

Regardless of age, all kids benefit from having a trusted family member with them. Make sure you’ve taken the time to address your own doubts and fears prior to surgery. Seeing your confidence and strength can help ground your child.

Listen to your child about what they need. While some kids want extra hugs and a hand to hold, others need some privacy and space. Both are valid and neither indicates a problem.

Be Honest

Your child needs to be able to trust you through their recovery process. Being truthful about what to expect helps maintain that trust.

But being honest doesn’t mean being blunt. Go slowly and let your child guide the conversation.

Wording Choices

The way we phrase things can affect our children’s experience with them. Every parent knows this to be true. But when explaining surgery, it’s easy to get the words wrong. You need to be honest, but avoiding words that evoke fear is a benefit for everyone.

Some of these wording choices might not feel natural. That’s why practice is important.

Here are some suggested wording substitutions.

But ultimately, you know your child best. If there are fears you don’t know how to address, like a fear of needles, ask for a member of our child life department to come help out.

Use Stories & Play

One great way to help younger children deal with surgery is through story. You can read books together about other kids going to the hospital. Or act out going to the doctor with a loved toy.

For older kids, talking to other kids their age who have gone through surgery can be helpful. Look for support groups online or in-person to find others in your community. This can also be helpful for you as a parent, so you know what to prepare for.